So much things to say
From 2014 to 2016 I wrote and wrote. I blogged away and it became a type of therapy. I wrote about what had happened to my son, about everything that was happening to us, and I wrote about what it felt like to be going through it all.
And then in mid-2016 I stopped writing.
I felt what I’d written was badly written, ill-informed rubbish and I needed to stop. I needed to apologise to people for wasting their time. I thought the world was a far better place without my words. I felt embarrassed that I’d ever written when there are so many people out there with stories far worse, words better shaped and far more interesting. I pulled the lid down over my life and hid.
PTSD took over my life and squeezed out anything else. I lived from one day to the next and my biggest hope was that I’d somehow manage just to get through that week. I’ll say at this point “No-one knew” and truthfully lots of people didn’t. You get very good at hiding how desperate things have become, hiding it even from yourself.
At the beginning of 2018 I started therapy. It helped. Slowly I began to see the reasons behind the things that had happened and why certain people around me had reacted and done what they’d done. I got some clarity. With clarity came a kind of light. I started, very slowly to live again instead of just existing.
I also made the decision to drastically change my life. To walk away from the work that no longer made me happy – walk towards a new and uncertain future. On the whole it’s worked out OK. Maybe not exactly as I thought it would, but in some ways it’s worked out better. I certainly don’t regret it.
Then about 6 months ago I started to really miss writing. I began to crave it and think about it more and more. I started writing blogs in my head and on scraps on paper lying around the house. Clearly it was time for me to write again.
My Blogs aren’t spectacular and maybe they won’t set the world alight or bring about great changes. But more importantly, I don’t think that matters. If writing is a kind of therapy, then I’m going to embrace that therapy and run with it.
I’ve changed the name of my blog and I’ve changed the look of it. Everything I’ve become, everything I have learned, know and understand now I want to share with you. It’s mostly what I have learned in the last 7 years and its part of what I now realise is my son’s legacy.
Grab a cup of tea cause you’re going to be awhile. I have so much things to say…………